"Secret" NASCAR Announcer and Driver Interview Instructions Found & Made Public

Someone down in Daytona has been very careless and let two secret NASCAR documents become public. I'm sure they'll receive a "secret" fine.

List of NASCAR Announcer Rules Found

Much like the drivers, NASCAR announcers must follow strict guidelines when calling the race or conducting interviews.

Rules To Follow:

1. Have a catchphrase that people liked 12 years ago and beat it into the ground every single race. Ex. Boogity Boogity Boogity, lets go racin boys!

2. Have some type of animated character to throw on the screen and block all of the action. Preferably, make it as annoying as possible and make cheesy jokes about it. Ex. Digger

3. At least twice a race, mention The late great Dale Earnhardt, no matter how irrelevant it is.

4. Say how lots of people in the garage said (Name) is the man to beat today.

5. If you own a race team, make sure you mention the sponsors repeatedly no matter if it makes sense in the conversation or not. Ex. Michael and Darrell Waltrip, Rusty Wallace

6. No matter how boring the racing is, say Its a real battle out there.

7. If theres even a miniscule chance of rain, keep mentioning it and ask all the crew chiefs how this affects their strategy. Zoom the camera in on a light to show the sprinkles.

8. If theres a rain delay, say The trucks are working hard to dry the track and well be back to racing any minute now, even if theyre not working.

9. If it has been a long, boring, single file, green flag run start talking about fuel mileage, even if it isnt an issue. Use phrases like hes runnin on fumes and Can he make it all the way?. Several times act like you saw someone run out of gas by saying Oh no, I think hes out! Also, throw a graphic on the screen of empty fuel tanks representing each driver. Keep talking about if they can make it or not and say what if theres a green-white-checker, will they make it?

10. If its getting towards the end of the race, say Well have one last commercial break and then come back to bring you the finish. This must absolutely NEVER be the last commercial break.

11. Make up words like co-opitition or gaggle and never use proper English grammar if you are a former driver or crew chief. Use phrases like that cats got a bad fast hotrod, that suckers pushin like a dump truck, and Hes rim-riding up there in them marbles. Always refer to the wall as the fence. Ex. He got up in them marbles and went right into the fence.

12. If Dale Earnhardt Jr doesnt win, interview the winner for two minutes and then proceed to interview Earnhardt for 10 minutes, no matter where he finished.

13. Even if its the first race of the season, talk about how the drivers better start performing if they wanna make The Chase. Mention The Chase as much as possible.

14. If Danica Patrick is in the race, ignore all the previous rules and talk only about her, even if she is in last place or out of the race.

List Of Driver Interview Rules Found

I have found a top secret confidential document that features the rules NASCAR drivers should follow when being interviewed. The following is that document:

Giving a post-race NASCAR interview requires adhering to a strict guideline, heres an example:

REPORTER: How did you end up dodging that wreck?

DRIVER: Well the (Sponsor) (Car) ran good all day. I gotta thank all the boys back at the shop for this one and I cant thank (Team Owner) and (Crew Chief) and the fans enough. (Sponsor 2), (Sponsor 3 ), (Sponsor 4).

Rules to follow:

1. Never answer the question. Instead, completely ignore it and mention your sponsors, car manufacturer and how you cant thank the boys back a the shop enough. Also, thank the fans no matter how much they hate you.

2. No matter how horrible the car was always mention how great it was since it was brought off the truck and say it was a good points day.

3. If someone wrecks you, just say It was just one of them racin deals and that youll keep diggin next week.

4. If anything controversial happens, just say It is what it is.

5. If someone is at home being ravaged by disease, say I wanna say hi to (Name) and let him know were all pullin for em.

6. No matter how horrible of a call NASCAR officials made, say well, theyre the reason were here today, and well trust them to what they say.

7. If youre sponsored by a beverage company, hold the bottle towards the camera and act like youre taking a sip but NEVER actually drink any.

8. At the end of your statement, just rattle off every sponsor without any context.

Here are some examples:

I cant thank (Sponsors CEO), (Sponsors President), (Random Person), and all the fans for comin out enough.

I think the difference today was the (Car Manufacturer) power under the hood.

The (Sponsor) (Car Manufacturer) was good off the truck and just on rails all day.

Well, you know, we just got caught up in one of them racin deals. But it is what it is and well keep diggin and get em next week.

These two tongue-in-cheek pieces first appeared on June 6 & 7, 2011 on the website Fake Racing News. Sorry I missed them at the time.

Someone is going to get in trouble because this is the UN-edited version!

LOL Thats Good but watch out for your Nascar hardcard they may take it lol

Wish I had written that. That writer should be up for the Pull-it-zer prize.

So true and hilarious!!

Jerry Clower was the "Guest" speaker one year at the Darlington Southern 500 /UNOCALPure Record Club dinner. That was pretty hilarious.

To Jim Reep. I am in complete agreement. I am no English major by any stretch, but I learned proper English very well from my High School English Teacher who made us all excel. I try really hard but I realize I have my lapses. However, I have real issues with those like D.W. and Larry Mac who are always "hisselfing" and "done this" and all those awful butchering phrases they use. My teacher would have had D.W. in detention until he was 101 years old. Too bad she's not around any longer.

I do miss ole Dizzy & PeeWee. Evey time I saw those Falstaff beer signs in turn 4 at Darlington and Rockingham that said, "FALSTAFF - The Winner" I though of ole Diz and the CBS Game of the Week. Let us pray that neither DW nor LarryMac attempt The Wabash Cannonball.

Tim, after I had lived for many years in NC, Texas and South Carolina, my dear old mom in Richmond, with her Virginia broque, once asked me if I couldn't talk like normal people again.

Excuse me but,i like the southern thang with em.I married a damn Yankee no offence lol.The Misses speaks what she calls proper english and can spell every word perfect ( unlike me)lol.When i start losing my southern accent,she sends me back to North Carolina for a week or so to get some of it back.Not a week passes that she busts out laughing at somethang i have said.I get asked to say that again lol.Like i tell her,my thinking is she is the one tawking wrong and maybe im right lol.

After I married my country gal wife in Wilson, NC, she had to 'splain to me what a hosepipe (garden hose) and zinc (kitchen sink) were! I figured out "younguns" by myself.

I born and raised in the city. I walked to all 3 of my schools growing up. The one farthest away was 1/2-mile. I had the mumps in kindergarten and missed our trip to a farm. When I got married and moved next door to my in-laws on the farm, I experienced not only a language barrier, but complete culture shock. First I had to help my father-in-law dig a septic tank. Didn't know what that was. They had a wash house, a smoke house, a pack house, a corn crib, and tobacco barns, many pecan trees and grape vines. There was tobacco, winter wheat, corn, soybeans and three large gardens, as well as hogs. The only John Deere hat I had ever seen was worn by my friend Frank's father in Richmond. He owned a John Deere dealership in the middle of the city. In addition to learning what hosepipes, zincs and younguns were, I learned about cropping tobacco, suckering tobacco, and taking out tobacco... all new phrases to me. I went through hog killing time and grinding sausage and smoking hams. There was a John Deere tractor and an International Harvester tractor. Did I mention that my father-in-law did all this on the side. He was a finished carpenter by trade and built some of the lovliest homes in Wilson County, NC. When my work day at the Wrangler Jeans operation was over, I was ready to relax. When my father-in-law's regular work day was over, he started farming. He chewed tobacco and was buried in his bib overalls with a carpenter's rule in the rule pocket and a chaw of tobacco in his side pocket. I definitely received my Master's Degree in Southern education from my late father-in-law, drawl and all.

I'll agree, Ms.Patty with the personality with them 2.Was just having some fun lol.Kurt Busch could take D.W place and every word could be censored, seeing he does not have a job.Dave you have learn't southern real well, maybe even better then me lol.Dave can you make sweet tea? I can think of a day when ole D.W. told of Dale S.R. about his redneck ways.Funny how things,can turn around huh.I also think of a commercial that Larry Mack did years ago.They used him,but had someone else doing the voice over,now he is in the booth.lol

Max, Funny you should mention sweet tea. Growing up in Richmond, I remember Dad pouring many spoonfuls in a glass of iced tea. As soon as it was stirred, it all settled to the bottom. First thing I was taught in NC was that the sugar went in the pitcher BEFORE the hot water. A well learned lesson. I can't imagine a plate of bbq without pitchers and pitchers of sweet tea.